Resolve

It’s been months since I’ve written anything here–honestly, I’ve been a terrible editor lately. I admit it. I’ve been almost ashamed to look at the site (though I have been!); it feels like I’m letting my baby die. I couldn’t look it in the eye.

Cue email reminding me to renew my hosting and domain for the site. I couldn’t just keep pretending the site didn’t exist, I had to take responsibility for it and make a decision. As you may have noted, the site is…still here. Witchcraft, truly.

The past year has seen the site grow more than I expected it to. Honestly, I’m surprised that we get the number of hits we do on a daily basis. That’s what makes the idea of abandoning it all the more heartbreaking. I can’t do that. You’re still reading, and that counts for something. And so the upcoming year I plan to ramp Nightmare Mode’s production/output to the nth degree. This is a public promise, so it’ll be particularly humiliating if I  fail to keep it. I’m convinced we can go places with the site given the proper care and treatment, though.

More importantly…well, some context. The last however months that I’ve been gone, a number of things have happened. I haven’t been writing about games for two primary reasons: I’ve been playing games (this is a luxury, believe it or not, ) and I’ve been…making games. I’ve had my hand at three different projects, and my roles have ranged from UI, to designer, to producer and now, marketer. I’ve learned many a thing during these projects and their associated crises, the chief thing being that I really, really don’t want to design games. I thought I did, but it’s become clear to me that I’m much better at managing projects (*laughs nervously at the current state of the site*) or marketing than I am at the development side of things. I’m still not convinced, however, that I want to be involved with making games.

Will I still pursue it? Naturally: game development and marketing is what I’m studying, and I’m not about to throw that away. I do, however, think that I would be happiest (and poorest, most likely) writing about games. Hell right now my senior thesis is slated to be on games as cultural artifacts (thank god Ian Bogost exists, by the way). In any case, I can’t make my passion happen if I don’t work toward it. This probably seems like an obvious notion, and it is, but as I’m wading through my current career-crisis, it’s a become a great epiphany for me. And that’s what Nightmare Mode will enable me to work toward. The tools for getting us out there (this site isn’t just me/mine!) are all in place. All that’s left is the talent and resolve, and I think we have it.

With that, I look forward to another year of Nightmare Mode. Bigger, better and uh…insert some third cliche adjective here. I hope you stick with us, dear readers.

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Posted on April 3, 2011, in Blog and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I felt this way when I was studying Games Development in college. While I thought it’d be ideal when I was growing up, sadly turning a pastime into a job is one sure fire way to take the fun out of things, and it just never really clicked with me. Sadly the education system over here is faulted in that it’s a lot harder to just float around and settle into a major that you feel fits you, and doing so puts you the whole way back to the very beginning, regardless of what progress you’d made in other subjects that might cross over.

    I might still get involved in the process somehow, I just don’t know where, but I’m not going to be going back into the education system without a clear and definitive focus on what I want to do, only to drop out after 2 years when I start to hate it and have to go back to Square 1 all over again.

  2. Yeah, I mean, I want(ed) to write games, too. But I know that, honestly, doing that is hard. I couldn’t do it now. What I can do now is write about games, and try to establish myself somehow in a very crowded field. This is…as good a mechanism as any to do that, regardless of what you want to do. Write about games, write games, write about *anything*, really: it’s a good project for that. Even unrelated things, it’s a good thing to have, and do.

    I’m glad you’re back, anyway. Talk to us about Dragon Age. xD

  3. Though I’ve had an even more irregular presence here than Patricia, I’m glad to see you back. Hopefully my health problems (carpal tunnel, arggh!) will resolve enough to allow me to play some games, let alone write about them. It’s been really interesting to trace how my opinions of Dragon Age have changed after getting stuck halfway through, with my only interaction over the past week being reading other people’s thoughts (like Tom’s) about the game.

  4. I will refrain from commenting here so I don’t give the impression we are some syndicated internet kids group that only feels like discussing stuff on the stage, at each other’s posts– oh, wait…

    Shit.

  1. Pingback: Nightmare Mode Is Relaunching « Nightmare Mode

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